Haven’t written on here in a while & I miss the writing process!
The newest thing happening is my life is planning for weight loss surgery. Yes, you heard that right. I have made the decision to get the sleeve gastrectomy surgery. In simple terms, I’m getting 70-80% of my stomach removed.
This has been one of the biggest decisions of my life. The whole process is a one huge, crazy ride.
For anyone who has kept up with my posts, you know a lifetime struggle of mine has been my weight & emotional eating. And while in the last two years I’ve been working on ‘letting go’ of my restrictive habits & obsessing over thinness – I have in-turn gained 70 pounds.
It’s a difficult thing to explain to those who don’t relate; but I use food to help me feel safe & as a coping tool to deal with difficult emotions. Eating temporarily relieves negative thoughts but is always followed by guilt & shame. This is a cycle I’ve played out since I was a child. As an adult, it almost feels like a compulsion or addiction, especially when I let foods with a lot of sugar or carbohydrates back into my diet.
We weren’t born to be negative to ourselves. When we are little we think we are capable of EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. But over the years we observe, learn, and watch all the crap unravel in front of us. And it’s like I woke up one day & realized this was my reality now. My distorted thoughts became beliefs that I lived by – perfection or nothing. I lost faith in myself because I’m continuously watching myself fail. By now, It’s just exhausting. It doesn’t have to stay this way. And only I can make that happen.
Which is the perfect intro into the surgery & my WHY.
My WHY is to become my most authentic me. My WHY is for my future life. My WHY is to have a life worth living. My WHY is feeling like I can brighten someone’s day & support those in my life because I’ll have the room in my heart to do so. I am helping myself by putting my oxygen mask on first.
For me, the risks of existing and not living life to its fullest potential is way scarier than any risk the surgery could offer.
This surgery is a tool, not a solution. It’s also not an easy fix, the only thing it’ll do is make it easier for me to full after small meals & reduce my actual huger.
It’s worth it. I am worth living a good life. No this isn’t the easy way out. Yes, it may be a QUICKER way out but damn, I am worth living NOW!
I am anxious, but ready to lean all the way into my fear of failure (which there’s a lot of) and know that it’s within those falls that I will discover my true growth.