Before we jump in … I started an insta @embracemylight so I can do little daily updates, come say hi!
There are never times when I think to myself, “Wow, I’ve been through a lot and I’m still standing”.
Instead I find myself thinking, “You are a failure. Why can’t you do better? What can we do to fix all of these ISSUES?”
As I’ve mentioned in recent posts, the past year has been testing. There have been moments where I’ve felt so horribly shattered, worthless & lost – I’m scared I’m losing the person I thought I knew & feel out of control. I’ve numbed out, succumbed to the understanding that “this is my life” from here on forward. I feel pathetic as I repeatedly relinquish control over to a 20-year-old coping mechanism. A coping mechanism I created as a child for survival & protection that I’ve said “never again” too over 10,000 times & that STILL rules every area of my life.
I binge eat for comfort, pain, suffering, calmness, distraction. I learned from a young age I could lessen the chaos by: faking a smile, building walls, putting others first & using food to regulate my emotions. It worked for a while, but then I became an adult & noticed the consequences that came with these behaviors. One of those behaviors developed into a full-out eating disorder. And they’re an octopus with tentacles seemingly everywhere. Sneaking it’s way into body image issues, weight gain, relationship issues, physical problems & the list goes on.
But I digress, back to the present. I was sitting here in my living room at 1am, waiting for my Uber Eats, surrounded by a messy apartment, stomach rolls folding over, zoning out on my 10th episode of The Office, mind numb – and I realized all of this eating, diets, fat camps, calorie counting, addiction, obsession – has been a symptom. That simply became a habit. A way of life. I’ve perfected these patterns by repeating them countless times; all to deflect my mind from the actual problems.
By ‘actual ones’ I mean the ones I’m uncovering now: the distorted beliefs, the lack of self-compassion, the self-deprecating thoughts, the childhood survival mechanisms, attributing my happiness to my size & starving my body of love. I have started therapy again & am slowly building.
Deep inside the hurt & pain there’s a tiny ray of light. It’s a pinpoint way off in the distance that is calling me to move towards it. I have taken baby steps to get towards it. I am on a journey to start healing myself so that I can live out my best life here in this world.
Life has in no way stopped since I’ve had this realization. Just when I thought it was going to settle down I got a new internal job (drama included), crappy blood test results & really started seeing/feeling the effects of my recent weight gain. I’ve been off. But, I’ve got my eye on that glimmer of light. I’m making a decision today that I refuse to give up.
My first step is promising that I won’t quit on myself. Healing & reopening old wounds is HARD. It’s confusing & feels like I’m going backwards. It’s MESSY. And I’m in that stage where it hurts before it heals. But I need to keep walking through the fire. Every time I’m in that dark place, I need to consciously look for that light to work towards.
It’s not easy to speak out about illness, but I feel as though it’s part of my purpose to share my journey. I am not giving up & neither should you if you’re fighting through your own struggle! Let’s keep walking our way through the fire.