Well, the title says it all. I’ve gained weight. To be exact, around 40 pounds in one year. And it’s forced me to face some crippling insecurities and deeper issues that desperately need to be unleashed.
I lived in my smaller body for three years. While my motivation to lose weight originated from wanting to improve my health, it morphed into an obsession of external approval, receiving praise, and feeling validated.
My whole life – my relationship with food & weight has been ‘my issue. I’ve been criticized, bullied, ignored, and scrutinized. I’ve externalized my worth and searched endlessly to find the magic solution to ‘fix’ me. It was like losing weight & taking up less space would mean less worries/problems.
For the past few months since I’ve gradually gained the weight back; I crawled into hiding, wore big clothes, canceled social activities, didn’t look in mirrors, and wanted to disappear altogether.
I was emitting out into the world the person who I created in my head: disgusting, gross, not worthwhile, and a failure. I was setting restrictions on my life and completely prevented myself from embracing my light.
So that brings me to today where I’m standing at a cross-road. I’m around 200 pounds, which usually triggers immense self-hate, but I feel more balanced than I have in a long time.
I don’t want to go to extremes based on ANY type body I’m in. I don’t want to hide in a larger body or seek praise in a smaller one. I want to happily exist however I look and feel worthy of expressing myself physically.
So in the interest of being honest, here’s where I’m at right now:
- I acknowledge that I’m not completely comfortable with my body all of the time
- I acknowledge that I still have some negative thoughts
- I acknowledge that growth is not going to happen in a day
- I’m excited to fall in love with my style again, even if it takes some time.
- I love that I can have a negative thought and not let it ruin my day.
- I feel lucky to have an amazing support group that’ll help me through anything