Another month and another day to keep on keepin’ on. I looked at last year’s intentions & I feel like I’ve become a different person. Is this a period of growth? Figuring things out? I’m just infuriated. I know the only person who can make change is me, but why can’t I just DO IT. Why do I keep going around in this cycle of negativity, “poor me”, unworthiness, anger, and shame. I’ve done it before, and I just don’t feel like I can muster up the motivation to GO; to succeed, to try, to reinvent. That ‘umph’ just isn’t there. I want it back so bad. I’ve dealt with so many self-destructive thoughts throughout my life. My mind is severely powerful & I lose sight of this ALL.OF.THE.TIME. I am settling for mediocre. I am sulking instead of changing the circumstances. This past year does not define me. I want to take back power of my mind. I want to try little things to show myself I love myself again. I want to become the best version of myself.
April was a tricky month. It started off as great, but ended up going downhill rather quickly. Within a matter of weeks, I found out my mom has breast cancer again (for the third time), I received a second/third round job interview, & threw out my back. Yup. That was all within 3 weeks.
- I get anxious prematurely: There were a few moments this month where I got extremely anxious before anything actually happened. Racing heart beat, sweaty palms, migraine, the whole thing. And then it happens, and I’m okay.
- I have moments where I’m really hard on myself
- I automatically think in the negative
So this weekend was the first weekend of May, and it was … interesting to say the least. I was a complete hermit this weekend. I’m still trying to figure out if I was allowing myself to ‘relax’ or if that was an excuse so I could isolate myself from the rest of the world. I gave into the destructive thoughts. Being totally vulnerable here; I didn’t leave my apartment once Saturday. I order in Seamless four times – from Chinese to ice cream to pizza. I ate out of self-loathing, embarrassment, & sadness. It’s a habit that’s ingrained so deep I couldn’t dig myself out of it.
Today was better. I cleaned my room, I took a walk outside, I didn’t binge. I’m trying to catch my negative thoughts. Tomorrow is my first beginners yoga class and I’m not going to back out. Small steps.
- Take some time to appreciate myself: Get back to morning & evening meditations
- Notice more opportunities More days to say yes. More days to do something new. More days to finish something I’ve been procrastinating. More new days to step outside of my comfort zone.
- Wake up every morning & be grateful for 3 things