SO MANY FEELS. Are you with me?
If you saw from my last post, the only way I can describe this past year is mumbo-jumbo (literally, I can’t find a better phrase than that.) I’m sharing all of this because I know I’m not alone and sometimes it’s just okay to not be okay.
I have fallen back into allowing my worry-filled mind to conjure up negative self-judgements: ‘you failed‘, ‘you’re ugly‘, ‘you should have‘, ‘they’re better.’ I’ve picked apart my body. I’ve down played the victories I’ve had. I’ve given up easily. I’ve just felt disgusting.
I truly believe that thoughts are the manipulation of energy. Therefore, my thoughts are powerful enough for creation.
There was a moment last year where I just stopped fighting against these thoughts and instead started believing them. This was also the moment my negative energy permeated every part of my life (nothing traumatic, but relationships, work, motivation, health, excitement, etc.) I am certain that the unfavorable circumstances that’ve been ‘following me‘ for the past year are partially caused by, or at least intensified, my negative mindset.
Maybe it’s not that I’m attracting all of these bad things, but in the past I was more resilient when life threw a curve ball at me.
I like to think I know myself pretty well. Yes, I have shit to work on and am in no way perfect; however, a year ago I was able to own my truth, forgive myself, and bounce back with a positive attitude. I was able to wake up in the morning & start new instead of waking up with automated thoughts of self-imposed guilt, shame, & disappointment.
Now, I’m perplexed. How the heck did I go from A to Z so suddenly?
**This next part is the actual convo I had with myself while writing this – fast & anxious mannerisms included** How did all of that strength disappear? Literally, where did it go? Maybe it’s age. Maybe I just allowed myself to cocoon & isolate too long. Maybe I’m still finding me. So many things swimming through my head. And so not enough hours to ponder them all.
The more I dig into my thoughts, the more I realize I am always pushing; aways pushing through, like fighting against a strong headwind. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want this life to be a struggle. This constant negative thinking is not serving me or anyone else in my life. And I know with small baby infant steps, I can journey my way through this.
So what’s next? What will I do when life throws me the next deep change, upheaval, or difficulty? Tell me if you have any suggestions!
- Focus on resilience as a balance of positive physical and emotional functioning.
- Call/text friends who always put me in a good mood
- Focus on what I’m grateful for
- Remove clutter
- Open windows and get as much sunlight as possible whenever I can
Affirmation: The past does not define you